I’ve been wanting to do this for soo long, I always feel like I need to get this out into the world, but it’s not that easy, also, it’s not drama and is much harder to live with this than you probably can think of.
But before I started: 1. I want to make sure that with you need help look right away for someone, and with you don’t need but think or sees that someone needs help, be the help. 2. All of what I am gonna say is how everything looks on the inside, because the outside usually has a mask. 3. I’m not gonna say any of this so you feel bad for me, it’s much more than that. All the words that are gonna be in this post is for you, that might seem lost and confused now, or for that friend, that suddenly changed and became someone else. I’m also not gonna tell the reasons that brought me to this. Because, honestly, I don’t know them. But I’m gonna share my feelings with you and I am gonna tell you the differences between who I was and who I am now. And – I hope – in the end of this reading your gonna be able to understand more, and help you or whoever is near you (that doesn’t seem so near anymore) to become less of what their feeling and more of who they are.
I always had a bad understanding of people who chose to live with their stress and hectic lives. In the innocent eyes of a child or a teenager, we are able to choose our path, and to choose where do we wanna go or what do we wanna do. I guess we grew up at the point our desires meet our reality, but is much more different to live with anxiety .because not only our decision our control by external forces, but our feelings and thoughts seems to lost control of everything, of who we are, of where we are.
Besides of what I used to thing about this specific topic, it doesn’t come in 24 hours, it’s not sudden. It comes slowly, almost like is building a new relationship, it gets mixed up with our normal feelings, “is just a bad, not a bad life” kind of thing, or, in my case, is just pos, or is just my new pill thats is creating this. But looking back, most of the times an episode happens I didn’t even realized, because it went out the next day, and it didn’t seem important to talk about.
Talking about, I was always good with that, normally I didn’t see the need to talk about my feelings because it was so natural to talk about them. My friends would listen to me, and I would listen to them as well… It’s so not like that anymore, not the talking part, not the listing part also. Relationships got exhausting, confusing, toxic. Suddenly I didn’t have the patience to deal with the normal habits that my friends had and the old me was able to let it go, I was able to spend much time with them anymore, cause it was so loud when did it become loud? Also, when did it become stressful to be around them?
I don’t know, I don’t know any of this answers, but I lost 60% of them, the other 40% are dived between the ones the stand out for me and noticed something was wrong and decided to be by my side and the ones that I was smart enough to slowly take my distance and only talk about nonsense subjects.
The hardest part about letting so many different relationships go, is to try to understand with that was the right choice, or even better, if I would have been able to avoid this.
That might be alright, it’s indeed proven that when we hit a certain age our cycle of friends tend to get smaller. Life matters, priorities, marriage…
Also, people come and go, and I strongly believe that who is meant to be is gonna stick to us no matter how hard we try to push them away, although with you do have a friend that seems to be so different, try to be patient, I know you probably wanna know what’s going on, otherwise how you are going to be able to help right? Although he might not be able to talk about it just yet, and most of the times, he/she doesn’t know whats going on, and why all feels so different, so be there with you can, do offer a hug without asking, or to just sit by them and be the company the this person doesn’t know he/she needs.
Looking back to all that has happened in the past year and a half, the most I can think of is how confusing everything seems to be. I was certain to know who I was and who I wanted to be, I knew who my favorite hobbies was, I need exactly who to calm my self down on my own. I don’t seem to remember any of this; for a though girl that never cry in front of anybody and don’t seem to know how to hold my tears; for someone who used to louve spending time alone, I feel like I always need to be with someone.
And, unfortunately it doesn’t get better than this, doing what I enjoyed the most, like drawing and writing, and vlogging seems to be such an hateful obligation nowadays. I lost who I was completely and I have not even a small clue of where that girl went, or how to train myself to be me again, because the most horrible thing about all of this, it’s bot being able to control myself, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and my reactions to any external event.
Most people tell me to do yoga, to meditate, to do something that I love the most to calm me down, and I can’t because its frustrating to not being able to concentrate, but I don’t get mad at them, because this used to be my most useful advice to everybody else. I was always so emotionally strong that everybody used to come to me for help. Confusing right?!
But the most confusing part is that I have a wonderful life, that I always appreciated, and I still do, in relapses. But most of the time I focused so much on everything that is screaming inside my mouth, because I just wanted it all to just stop, that I forget about all the amazing things I’m fortunate to have and to be.
Again, it’s not on proposed, it’s not controlled, and it’s not something that I can train myself because when those moments comes, the adrenalina inside me is so much more than what I can control that is better to just cry it all out.
I might not be the best adviser for you, because if you got to this point of the reading you know I’m trying to get the wheels of my life back in track. But from a person that has been struggling with this for some time, and it’s so no able to give up, I have a few things to say to you:
- Don’t ever give up on yourself,
- Let others help you,
- Be patient (I know how harsh this sounds, believe me) be patient with yourself
- Every single thing has a reason in life
- Cry, scream, write a letter to yourself. Let all the feelings inside you get out of your heart and you’ll feel your shoulders much lighter.
- try to create a routine, anxious people have everything inside so out of place, having the outside organized might help create a balance to your life
- when the time comes, talk to someone, that person that you trust the most might not understand you well the way you wanted to, but don’t give up, theres another 7 billion people out there.
- Try to find something, a place, a faith, a group, that would bring you peace. For me this place is church, and honestly with you try you might discover how many people are able to be welcoming and caring and loving without knowing you.
- And above everything I wrote in here, there’s God, who always listen and we call, but we do have to look for Him. He is my only hope, and He is the One who brings me peace when no one else is there.
I hope this was somehow useful for you guys, for most part of my past years I had no clue what was going one, and what was so wrong that I couldn’t’t live with myself. I have, and still have to be patient and work my mind constantly, and still keep all my tasks and duties. We are stronger than we think we are, we just need to be patient with ourselves and other.
For now thats all, se you soon ❤